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STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squalking
and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month.' |
Moral of this
story? ....
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
always overcome youth and arrogance!
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RICK AND DAVE'S MOOSE HUNTING EXPERIENCE
Two hunters, Rick and Dave, went moose hunting every winter
without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.
They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the
mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the
costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot
the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing,
donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out
of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close
enough, the Rick, in front, said, "Okay, let's get out and get
him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, Dave,
in the back, shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to
do?" Rick, in the front, says, "Well, I'm going to start
nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
UNICORNS
Two hunters were in a lodge, making small talk. One of them
asked the other, "So, what do you hunt?" He answered, "I hunt
unicorns." The first hunter was startled, but said, "Really? How
do you do that?" The other answered "I find a virgin and hire
her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a
unicorn comes to take advantage of her. When it does, it sets
off a snare." The first hunter said "Boy, they must be hard to
find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one." The second
hunter said "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around,
either!"
ONE LINERS
Protect your hunting rights - spay or neuter a liberal
If "con" is the opposite of "pro" is congress the opposite of progress
MAN AND WIFE AT THE SUNRISE ANNUAL SHOOT
A man takes his wife to the Sunrise
annual shoot . As they strolled through the seminars enjoying
sights they noticed a seminar on the life cycle of the deer.
They thought that this sounded interesting so they went in and
joined the seminar already in progress.
About that time the speaker stated that "A dominant buck may
mate 100 or more times in a single season."
His wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! 100 times in a
season, that's more than once a day! You could really learn from
these deer."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Raise your hand and inquire
if it was 100 times with the same doe."
THE ELDERLY MAN AND THE YOUNG WIFE
The marriage between the elderly farmer and
his young wife was not working out too well, so the farmer consulted his
doctor for advice.
"The next time you're down in the field plowing and feel a yearning for
your wife." said the doctor, "don't wait until lunch time or the end of
the day, but quit what you're doing and go to the house." "I tried
that," said the farmer, "but by the time I get to the house, I am so
tuckered out, it's no use."
The doctor thought for a minute, "Take your rifle with you when you
leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the rifle
and she will come down there where you are."
A few weeks later the two men met on the street.
"How did it work out?" asked the doctor.
"Fine, the first three days," said the farmer, "then deer hunting season
opened and I haven't seen her since."
THE LONE RANGER AND TONTO
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went hunting in the desert. After they got
their tent set up, both men fell asleep after a long day of hunting.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe,
look towards the sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see
millions of stars." What that tell you?" Asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger
ponders for a minute then says "Astronomically speaking, it tells me
there are millions of galaxies. Time wise it appears to be a quarter
past three in the morning. Theologically, the lord is all powerful and
we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have
a beautiful day tomorrow. "What's it tell you Tonto?" Kemo Sabe, you
dumber than buffalo crap. Someone stole tent."
DID YOU SEE THAT?
Two guys are out deer hunting. The first guy says, "Did you see that"?
The second guy says "No". "Well a bald eagle just flew overhead" says
the first guy. "Oh" says the second. A couple of minutes later, the
first guy says "Did you see that"? "See what" the second guy said. "Are
you blind"? "There was a black bear walking on that hill, over there".
"Oh". A few minutes later the first guy says "Did you see that"? By now
the second guy is really getting aggravated, so he says "Yes I did"! And
the first guy says, "Then why did you step in it".
"BEAR ALERT"
Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers and backpackers
to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while hiking in
Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forest trails. They
advise hikers to wear noise-producing devices, such as little bells on
their clothing to alert, but not to startle the bears
unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an
encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. Hikers and
backpackers should be able to recognize the difference between Black
bear and Grizzly bear droppings on the trails. Black bear droppings are
smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear
droppings have small bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
"JOHN THE HUNTING/HUNTED MINISTER"
John was a minister who neglected his congregational duties on opening
weekend to go deer hunting. While out hunting, he stopped to take a
break when suddenly he was confronted by the largest, meanest looking
bear he had ever seen. The bear stood and advanced on him, popping it's
jaws and snarling viscously. In his fear, John emptied his rifle without
hitting the bear. Dropping the gun, he turned and ran as fast as he
could in a vain attempt to outrun the bear. John ran up to the edge of a
very step cliff. John was terrified and knew he was going to be
attacked. Seeing no way out of his predicament and with the bear closing
in rather quickly, John got down on his knees, opened his arms, and
exclaimed, "Dear Lord! please give this bear some RELIGION!" The skies
darkened and a bolt of lightening flashed. Just a few feet short of
John, the bear came to an abrupt stop and glanced around, somewhat
confused. He seemed to become very calm. Suddenly, the bear looked up
unto the sky, put his paws together, bent his head, and said "Thank you,
Lord, for the food I am about to receive."
"A TRICK THAT BACK-FIRED"
A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a
farmer's yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to
hunt on his land. The old farmer said "sure you can hunt, but would you
do me a big favor? That old mule over there is 20 years old and sick
with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her and put her out of
her misery. Would you do it for me?" The hunter said "Sure" and headed
back to the car. Walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on
his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked him if the
farmer said it was OK, he said "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to
teach that old fart a lesson." With that, he rolled down the window,
stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed, "There, that
will teach him," A second shot rang out from the passenger side of the
car and one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!!!!"
"DEER HUNTER"
Saturday morning a deer hunter gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his
lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs his bow and goes to the garage
to warm up his truck and head down to his favorite hunting area. He
backs his truck out of the garage and discovers the rain is really
pouring down. It is like a torrential downpour. There is also some snow
mixed in with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 MPH. He goes back into
the house and turns on the TV to the weather channel. He finds
it's going to be bad weather all day long, so minutes later, he puts his
truck in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he
cuddles up to his wife's back, now with an amorous anticipation, and
whispers, "The weather out there is really terrible." To which she
sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid-ass husband is out hunting
in that crap"?
